


Until My Heart Explodes

by IronBitch35730 (Ayita35730)



Category: Succession (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Its gonna start out dark but like man someone needs to help kendall, Overdose, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, and by someone i mean his siblings i mean come on guys, hes not doin so hot, somethings obviously goin on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26186077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayita35730/pseuds/IronBitch35730
Summary: Kendall is struggling.Roman, Shiv and Connor finally get a clue when Kendall does something self-destructive and stupid (more than usual) --they'll put up with a lot of things for their father, but not losing their brother.The Roy siblings find out just how bad Kendall's state of mind is.
Relationships: Also - Relationship, Kendall Roy & Roman Roy & Shiv Roy & Connor Roy, Kendall Roy/Happiness, Roy Family Feels, Roy Siblings Kinda Love Each Other
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	1. In the end, its nothing

Kendall Roy isn’t just any man.

Sometimes he doesn’t even feel like one.

Kendall is a Roy—he’s an accessory to the Logan Roy legacy, a ornament on giant corporate fucking tree. He’s a face, a name, a reputation. He’s all these things but what is he really?

_ “You’re nothing.”  _

Maybe that’s right. 

What is he beyond a spoiled rich brat? He’s been groomed to walk in his father’s shadow since the day he said his first word—he learned bullshit as a second language. He started wearing Armani and attending publicity events before he could ride a bike (even then, it was Frank who taught him). He spent more time with PR representatives than he ever did his dad. So can he call himself his father’s son?

And is that even what he really wants? Is he really so pathetic he still craves approval from a man who will never see him as anything more than something to be managed, kept in control? That’s all that they are to him, chess pieces to move around the board, to sacrifice as needed. None of them have ever escaped the old man’s grasp. Roman—as much their father’s tool as he is. Shiv—the favorite toy. Connor? An afterthought, when he’s a thought at all. 

So what is even doing? What is he trying to prove, striking out on his own? Everyone knows he’s nothing without his father. The only time he ever tried to create something of his own was his family and that imploded on him.

He was never able to please Rava. He couldn’t blame her for not loving him when he was at his worst—the drugs, the partying, the missteps with the kids. But then he got clean, he tried to be a better man, tried to be what he thought was a good man. She couldn’t love him then either (“ _ You lack killer instinct”) _ . So he went to his last resort—he tried to be his father. He tried to push his wishes onto her and that got him a one night stand and a divorce announcement.

So where does all that leave him? 

His wife doesnt want him, his father thinks of him as a disappointment and a traitor, his kids would be better off without him and the toxicity he brings into their lives by way of his insane bloodline. His siblings hate him already for the most part. 

He could go through with this plan to take down the kingdom. Go with Stewie, fuck his entire family over and try and take the world for himself. He could survive, he could thrive—something he’d never do under his father. 

But is it an honest attempt at survival or a desperate plea to get put down? 

He does another line of coke and laughs to himself. He’s alone now, no Greg to do lines for him and keep him from making his own goddamn heart explode. 

It’s the way they all expect him to go anyway, just not on purpose. They all think it will be an accident, that he’ll get put in the hospital, rehab, retire from the company and that will be the end of him. 

So maybe he shouldn’t stop this time. 

He does another line. 

Maybe none of this matters at all. Who really cares if he does another line, if he disappears from the family, the failed prodigal son, the disappointment, the traitor.

_ “You’re nothing” _

He is nothing.

He does another line. Another. 

Another. 

Another. 

His chest hurts. Things feel hot, so hot.

He does another. 

Suddenly there’s a noise. Someone is here. No one is supposed to be here right now, he’s supposed to be alone. He’s always alone when it comes down to it. 

“Kendall you prick, cousin fuckwad told me you were saying a bunch of crazy shit at the bachelor party. Now I hate you, but I came to make sure you haven’t lost your fucking mind because Dad will lose his shit if you make things even worse.”

Roman? Why did he have to show up now? Kendall tries to rise off the ground but he can’t feel his legs anymore and he falls, hitting his head on the side of the coffee table. 

“Kendall? Come on don’t be an asshole, where the hell are you?”

How did Roman even get up here? He told the doorman not to let anyone up. 

Things are starting to get dark.

“Kendall? Fuck, Kendall?” 

Suddenly there are hands on his shoulders, shaking him, and the world comes back into focus long enough for him to see Roman’s face, screaming at him.

“What the fuck did you do? What the shit did you do you’re so stupid, Ken you’re bleeding.”

“Rome. I did something crazy.” Kendall says, trying to focus on Roman’s face. 

. 

“No fucking shit you did something crazy. You did enough cocaine to supply a entire jr. management team and who knows what the fuck else, now your goddamn head is bleeding and you might fucking die Ken I don’t know—”

“Rome.” He tries to interrupt, but Roman’s panic plows on without him. With one hand he’s attempting to get on the phone with 911 and the other is clumsily holding a jacket to the back of Kendall’s head. 

“God Kendall you can’t fucking die on me, I don’t want to attend your funeral. Can you imagine that fucking clusterfuck I swear to god if I have to spend that much time between Mom and Dad competing for sympathy I’m going to let one of your pansy ass college friends try and finger bang my grief away. Oh my fucking god Shiv might cry and Connor will definitely cry but then he’s going to try and get us to talk fucking cryogenics and you won’t be here to handle it and I will lose my effing mind. You are not allowed to die you pathetic ass failed daddy’s boy, you wake the fuck up.” 

That does seem to wake him up the slightest bit. He tries to make his mouth form words, but Roman isn’t listening anyway. He's screaming at the operator on his phone, telling them the address and saying something about Kendall’s blood loss. He tries to grab Roman’s arm but he can’t seem to move. He takes a deep shuddering breath and his heartbeat flutters uncertainty. He tries to suck the air in, but his body aches, protesting the use of any of his organs. Somehow though, he’s able to force out a gasp. 

“Rome I told them yes. We’re doing—bear hug. Hostile. I said yes.” The effort to spit that out saps most of Kendall’s reserve of energy and things go black and fuzzy. Roman’s saying something, shaking him again, but the world phases out of existence and there are two final thoughts that blaze across his mind before the end.

_ “You’re nothing.” _

And,

_ Finally. _


	2. What the fuck?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The siblings have a conversation about Kendall.

Kendall awakens to the hushed sound of angry voices.

Isn’t that just appropriate. 

He doesn’t open his eyes and keeps his breathing low, not ready to announce his consciousness yet. He’s dizzy, fuzzy, not ready yet to face the outpour his family no doubt has waiting for him. So he stays in a half doze and tries to tune in to the conversation going on in the room.

“What the fuck?” That sounds like Shiv. Her voice is grovely, low—she’s been crying.

He’s always been a little softer with Shiv than with the others, even if he thinks she’s the most dangerous. It was a double-edged sword when it came to her, he somehow both felt protective and jealous of her. She was his little sister, his responsibility to protect her from the manipulative hands of their father and the cold neglect of their mother.

She’s been around longer than Roman and somehow she just knows how to work Kendall. She knows where he’s vulnerable. But she also was always the favorite, the child that could do no wrong—yet. Kendall always wanted to both to push her off that precipice so she would experience all that disappointment, that quiet disgust that he and Roman have fallen prey to so many times and to keep that from ever touching her. 

“I don’t know.He mentioned it right before he passed out, but he was like high out of his goddamn mind.” That’s Roman. He sounds more muted than usual. Odd, Kendall really didn’t think something like this would get to him as much. There always seemed to be a lot of resentment there—who could blame Roman? 

Kendall constantly stepped on him to climb higher in his father’s regard, playing upon his brother’s failures to make up for the fact his successes never seemed high enough for Logan. As if by tearing him down, it’d somehow raise Kendall higher. 

He was a dutiful son, but he wasn’t ever the best brother.

Or husband.

Or father.

Huh. His cesspool of a relationship with his father sucked so much out of him it left him lacking the ability to engage in any other. 

The only exceptional thing there ever was about Kendall was that he was Logan Roy’s son. 

“I understand that, but a takeover? Would Kendall really do that? We should give him the benefit of the doubt.” There’s Connor, speculative and neutral but sounding tired. Really tired. 

“Why are we even talking about this, does it even matter right now?” Shiv points out, snapping. 

There’s a sigh he can’t pinpoint. 

“Of course it doesn’t. Our brother just tried to off himself via blow and he couldn’t even do that right—thank god.”

Yikes. He’s both hurt and touched by Roman’s words. At least he thinks it’s a good thing Kendall didn’t die. 

“You’re an absolute prick.”

“Fuck off, we’re all thinking it.” 

“ I think you gotta speak for yourself there, bud.” Connor sounds deeply uncomfortable and Kendall wonders exactly what he is thinking. They were never particularly close, though not for lack of trying on Connor’s part. It was the three of them—they’d always kind of excluded him. Never let him forget he was the half-brother, the wash out, the forgotten first child with the wrong mother. Kendall benefited from that by being the sort of pseudo oldest sibling. He was the one with the potential, the real ability to run the company, the heir. 

God they were truly conceited weren’t they, acting like a royal fucking tragedy. 

“Yeah, you’re just fucking twisted. We don’t even know for sure that’s what happened.”

“Shiv, don’t be fucking naive okay, he told the gay cousin that he was planning on doing enough cocaine to and I quote “make his fucking heart explode” then procceeded to go home and do just that. And can I just add, what an attention-seeking, metro, pompous-ass way of going about it. Kendall Roy—the next Marylin Monroe.”

“Jesus, fuck, what in the hell has gotten into you?” 

“Fine, fine, too far. I get it, I’m fucking worried too, okay? You think if I really thought he’d do something like this I’d have left him alone for a minute? I had no idea he’d do something this stupid and reckless and I’m freaking out okay? Can you just let me pretend this is normal?”

“Hey, fine I get it. What is going on? Since when is Kendall suicidal? God, are we actually saying that’s what happened? Is that what we’re telling Dad when he gets here? That Kendall purposely overdosed? We do that and we effectively kill Kendall. He’ll never have any credibility again.”

“ Basically we cut off his balls in front of Dad and the entire business world. God this is the fucking pits—any other fucking time I’d jump at the fucking opportunity and he’s somehow fucking ruined it for me.”

“I don’t think it’s our place to tell people. But I do think it’s time we all sit down, have a very serious conversation. We all go back to New Mexico, we do the therapy thing for real this time, we air out the obvious tension. It’s gotten to Kendall and I think that it’s gotten to all of us as well.”

“Oh boo-hoo, lets all run back to therapy and have some fuck nugget try to work out our problems. That’ll make Kendall want to live again! We’ve all been through the therapy ringer and look at what good it did us.”

“ Didn’t you threaten to sue your therapist for intentional infliction of emotional distress and malpractice if he didn't agree with everything you said? ”

“So?”

“So, you can’t truly connect with your trauma and begin to repair yourself unless you really embrace the honest process.”

“Fuck you, what has it done for you? Because you’re so well-adjusted, Mr. Textbook Inferiority Complex.” 

“Hey now, I’m just trying to keep us in a positive thinking space where we can address the issues we are experiencing.” 

“I don’t know, Rome, he might have a point.”

“Oh, fuck off if you think Dad will agree to that.”

“Look, I just want to let you know if there’s anything I can do to help I am here for the family.”

“Oh fucking great, the midwestern cuck is here to help us out. If we give him the reins, maybe we can all get on our goddamn bandwagons and fuck off to Pleasanton USA, where everything is fucking red, white and blue fucking rainbows and everyone’s happy and friendly like fucking patriotic robots.”

“Lay off Tom, he’s only trying to help. None of us know exactly what to do here.”

“Then maybe stop fucking acting like you do.”

“ I’m just trying to think about shit. You know what he’d say if he were awake.”

“Yeah, of course, ‘control the narrative.’ He really is pretty predictable.” 

“So. What’s our narrative?” 

“Why don’t we ask him?”


	3. Picking a Narrative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The siblings talk.

Kendall’s eyes open slowly, sluggishly and the first thing he sees is Roman, with red eyes. 

“Kendall? Are you awake, you fucker?”

Suddenly Shiv rushes into his line of sight, her hair pulled back and sticking up everywhere. Her eyes are also red and puffy, her clothes wrinkled like she’s slept in them. She’s more of a mess than she was when Logan almost died and that makes Kendall feel warm somehow, knowing that she’s genuinely worried for him. At least as worried as she’s been about Dad—he knows that was conflicting for all of them. He managed to dislevel Shiv, that’s an accomplishment if he’s ever heard one. She comes to sit on the edge of his hospital bed and runs careful fingers through Kendall’s sweaty hair.

“You’re so goddamn lucky you aren’t dead.” She says, choking on the words a bit. 

Kendall tries to speak but it comes out as just a rasp. Shiv squints at him a bit then reaches over for a water, putting the straw near his lips so he can sip at it.

He whispers a soft “Thanks.” and her eyes soften slightly. 

“God, you’re stupid.” She says, her other hand stroking his cheekbone for a minute. Roman stands from where he’s crouched on the floor, walking toward Kendall. He looks worked up, like he’s about to yell, to rant, to cry maybe. Then, he does the most unexpected thing Kendall could possibly conceive of: he leans over and wraps his arms around him the best he can, placing a quick kiss on Kendall’s forehead. 

“They told us we were lucky you aren’t brain dead, you prick.” He sounds so small that guilt finally emerges in Kendall’s awareness. He does his best to raise his arms to wrap them around Roman in turn. They’re slow to respond, but they do finally do what he’s insisting and move up, one hand weakly squeezing Shiv’s hand and the other wrapping around Roman. 

Connor steps awkwardly up behind the pair, giving Kendall a big goofy grin. “Glad to see you with us, little brother.” 

There’s quiet for a few moments, just all of them sitting there, when Roman pulls back suddenly. He sniffles, then rubs his chin, climbing up on top of the nearest chair, actually sitting against the window seal with only his feet on the seat of the chair. “So are you going to explain what the absolute fuck you were thinking? Do you have any idea what it was like to find you like that, you prick? I thought you were dead and I just be there cradling your corpse like some kind of greek fucking tragedy. Aw, fuck you, what were you thinking? What are you, some depressed middle school teenage girl now?”

“I really didn’t think of it like that.” Kendall says, his voice horse from disuse—and possibly a tube down his throat at one point? His memory of anything past Roman calling the authorities is absolutely blank for him. He has no idea if he’s even really alright, or if his siblings are just waiting to tell him that he has severe damage to his liver, his kidneys, who knows what it could be. 

Does he want to be alright? 

“You didn’t think of it like that. Oh what, Ken, you just thought you could do a fuckton of cocaine and stop your heart? That you’d just rebound right back from it?” Connor lays a hand on Shiv’s shoulder and with the other scratches at the back of his neck, chuckling darkly.

“I think what Shiv is trying to say is that this whole situation is a bit confusing from our end pal. We knew you were going through a rough time Ken, but this is extreme. We’re going to have to talk about this.”

“Talk about it?” Roman slams the legs of the chair down and throws his hands up. “Talk about it? We’re going to do a hell of a lot more than some fucking talking. I’m thinking we lock him inside a goddamn plastic bubble for a while until we can trust him around sharp objects. You know, shit, I bet Dad could actually buy one. Like one of those poor mutated babies without immune systems. We treat Kendall like the mutated baby he always was.”

He looks over to Kendall and locks eyes with him for a moment, then they dart down to the floor. 

That’s something Roman does a lot, actually. 

“I just think we should actually do something okay?” He crosses his arms and Kendall feels that shame sweep over him again. He forgets that Roman is so sensitive, he’s done such a good job at pretending not to be that he forgets at the heart of it all Roman is still just the youngest. 

“Roman’s right. We need to address this, make a plan. Figure out what we’re telling people. So far the hospital just thinks it was an accidental overdose, he didn’t tell them about what you told Greg. The only ones who know that this conversation is even happening is us and Rava.”

Suddenly Kendall’s heart beats faster and he looks around panicked, looking for a glimpse of those eyes he loves so much. Loved. 

“Rava’s here?” He croaks out and Shiv sighs. She pushes him back down against the bed when he tries to rise up and look around. 

“She went home with the kids a few hours ago, but yeah Ken. She was here. She’s really worried about you, so are the kids.” Her eyes water a little and she breathes deeply through her nose. “We all were.” 

Kendall looks up at all of them, Tom hovering awkwardly behind Shiv and giving him a little wave. They all look wiped, like they looked after Logan’s attack but also somehow more scared. He knows he’s dropping the ball here—he’s supposed to be the one making the plan, stepping up and figuring out what moves to make. 

“I’m-I’m sorry.” He says and Roman stands up, letting the chair crash to the side. 

“Well hi-de-fucking-ho, he’s  _ sorry _ . Thank fucking god. You better be sorry, you selfish prick, what did you think, you just get to check the fuck out on us? That you get to fuck off and leave us like this. I knew you had a problem but I didn’t fucking think you’d pull something like this. You scared the fucking shit out of me man.”

Roman’s clenched fists relax, and he crosses his arms. “I love you Ken. And you fucking scared me.”

“I love you too.” He sputters. 

“Yes of course we fucking love you.” Shiv snaps, gripping his hand harder. “So that’s why we need you to explain.” 

Kendall tries to find the words.

What was he thinking? Why did he do it? Does he even fucking know? 

He wasn’t really thinking about the cocaine killing him. Somehow he knew he wouldn’t just go like that. Of  _ course _ he would cling on, desperate for that slim hope that one day he’d rebuild himself, that he’d find his footing. That the little bit of hope he had wouldn’t be lost forever. 

But. Part of him did. Part of him thought that would finally be the end of it all. That he’d fade into oblivion and all his responsibilities and disappointments would die with him. He did think about it. He was ready for it. Somehow his siblings, Rava, seemed so distant from then, so far away and so detached. At the time, he really didn’t see them getting upset. He didn’t think they’d be  _ happy _ with what he’d done, but no he didn’t really see them like this either. 

So he tries to tell them that. 

“I didn’t really think it would be this big of a deal.” He says and he knows immediately that the sentiment didn’t come out how he wanted it to. Shiv drops his hand, rises from the bed and turns away from him. Roman starts laughing in this unhinged sort of way.

Connor tries to respond first, but he just gapes like a kicked puppy and Kendall hates how he thinks it’s kind of pathetic. 

“Oh you rat bastard. You absolute fucking dickhead. How could you fucking say something like that. What, you thought that this would be something we’d like, laugh about but not talk about? A dirty little family secret?”

“Isn’t it?” Kendall asks and he hates how bitter that sounds. He doesn’t mean it to, just something inside him bristles at the notion that his family would actually make him a priority, as if agendas and optics and vendettas could be set aside for even the briefest time for them to see him fucking  _ drowning _ —

“Fuck, fine maybe we aren’t going to tell anyone, but we aren’t going to let this go either. When the paramedics came you were in a pool of fucking blood Ken. Like you were the slutty hot chick in some shitty horror movie. That traumatized me for life.”

Kendall chuckles a bit at that, trying a half smile. “Ah come on, I don’t even graze your top ten traumas..” 

Roman laughs at that, the laugh broken by a soft sob.

“You dying would, okay? So stop trying. Please.”

It’s the please that breaks Kendall’s heart. 

“Okay,” He says and at least for the moment, he means it. “Okay, Rome, I’m not going anywhere.” He turns to Shiv, who was watching with a piercing gaze, then he nods. “What’s the plan?” 


End file.
